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| So....it's 1:15 and I'm up..and that's normal. But the things that are
going on in my mind aren't. I think I need to redo a few things in my
life. I am a constant people pleaser. If you tell me something that
will make you happy, if I can do it, I will. And I'll almost never say
no. In fact, I"ll hardly remember that I said yes becasue it's
automatic.
I find this problematic in my relationships. I like to please and
people like to be pleased. And it works out. This however doesn't work
when I want to be pleased....or just acknowledged in a positive way.
See I like to have someone tell me I'm a good person...becasue I'm not
enough to think it on my own. (sarcastic of course). But I like to be
praised. See I dated a guy like that once. And he didn't really care
about me so much I don't think but we were the same. We liked to make
each other happy. Because it made us happy. And even though the
relationship wasn't that great...more at the end, it was hard to let go
because there were the benefits...we fed off of the praise we got from
each other.
But now. What to do? The words I appreciate you never meant so much to
me as they do now. And they were never so far away. Of course I could
care less if my ex appreciates me....unless he wants to fall off the
earth. That would be ok. But it's this relationship now. I know KNOW he
feels like he's doing an ok job, I think. ( I don't want to think he's
really thinking well I'm an ass to this girl, but maybe she's dumb
enough to stay.) And he thinks it's good and it's not. Am I too much?
How do I become less without losing myself. Or how do I get him to give
more?
I'm a psych major for crying out loud. I'm suppose to be good at this
stuff. I should be able to talk to my own boyfriend. And I can't. And I
don't know why or how but I can't. It's like a road that's closed 24
hours a day unless you want to try running across as fast as you can.
But you can't just look at the road and see what's wrong because it's
not allowed. And I feel trapted.
"How do you know? You know when you know." ~ for some reason this
quote always sticks with me. And it makes me smile and cry at the same
time because the good things hit you just as hard as the bad.
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| So I have been thinking lately. A lot. Do you ever feel like for a
moment there was a time when the world seemed pretty much perfect? The
stars were alined or something was in the water but it was good. And
you can look back at pictures or stuff you had then and think "I didn't
have a care in the world. That was nice.
Certain times of the year always bring up certain memories for me. I
don't know why and I can't explain it but it's like the smell or
something. Like at the end of May I always want to go play outside like
a little kid again because when I was little my whole school got to go
on a field trip to play at this awesome playground down by the river at
home. I love that. And then like today my memories catch me off gaurd
and I find myself sitting at a green light because there's a stupid
"fish fry here" sign. Because it's lent and that's what people eat on
Fridays, if you're a good catholic. There are memories we have that I
think we must forget we even have until one day it just pops back in
and I hate that. Where do these memories go? And why do they come back?
There are things about people that you always remember. Like I always
know how my mom smells and that when she hugs me she says I'm still so
little in her arms (even though I"m taller than she is now). When I
picture my best friend from home I always see her sitting on the ground
laughing so hard that she peed at camp. I don't see this grown up girl
that is married now and has a grown up life and all of that. I just
think it's funny how it seems like your mind plays tricks on you. And
it can be almost cruel sometimes how it feels like they are right there
like they just left, when really they have been gone longer than you
ever thought you could live without. It's not really sad or happy. It's
just different.
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| Pretty is as pretty does. You aren't that pretty honey.
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| Lately I have been thinking about home alot. Everytime I go home, even
though I don't feel like I really belong there I feel so good just
being there. It's like an old sweatshirt that I will always fit into
because no matter what I feel like I can be ok there.
I find that the more time that passes that something is definitely
wrong with me or my life or something. I'm one of those people that
always needs to be backed up. I need someone in my corner. I need to be
reaffirmed that I'm a pretty all right person. I don't know for sure
that I am but I think I might be. It's frustrating. I realize that most
of my day is used to make someone else happy. But they never are. I
know I'm not perfect but I try really hard to do right and be right.
And it seems the more I try to get people to just see that I am ok and
I am good they don't.
I don't feel like I belong in my house. Now that it's just me and the
two other girls I feel worse than before. They are always together and
I swear today I heard them talking about me. It breaks my heart because
it's exhausting. I'm always on the defensive. I'm not good enough for
someone not to be upset with me for one day. ONE DAY. And then there's
Brandon and I get so frustrated with that too. I don't understand how
he can treat me like he does. I don't know what to say or do to get him
to stop. I know I should do something. I know it's not right. I keep
getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he doesn't really
love me....it scares me. I thought that in the past and I was right. I
just don't know. I know you can't make someone love you. I guess I
should just stop trying so hard.
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| Well this is not the typical New Years blog but whatever. I have been
struggling with mine and Brandon's relationship...there are so many
different things that I think right now I can't begin to know where to
start. Let me just say to everyone. If you are boy then listen up. Most
girls don't want lots of stuff or pretty things from you. I'm more than
capable of getting what I want on my own. What we want, what we need is
someone that loves us and makes us feel special. 12 bucks on flowers is
better to me than going out all the time. telling me i'm pretty is all
I really need. Girls just want guys that validate their feelings and
views. We want someone that engages us in good conversation and laughs.
You dont have to be perfect. You don't always have to agree with me.
I'm not always right, I know that. But boys all you have to do is drop
the pride and do something for me without me asking you. Tell me I'm
pretty. Kiss me on the cheek. Don't blow up at me if you don't expcect
me to blow up at you. Respect us girls. Treat us like princesses. We
are. All of us. We treat you like kings. Don't you think we deserve the
same?
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